Patience

It’s been over a month since my last post, not for selfish reasons but for healing and clarity. 

Approximately 24 hours after my last post titled ‘Mother,’ where I expressed a series of childhood sexual abuse by a family member, I received a call that the monster died. For years I prayed for his demise, I even cursed ‘God’ for allowing him to live so long. However, after receiving the news of his death I was unhappy. Not because I’d miss him, or love him, or felt sympathy for his family. I was unhappy for never confronting him about what he did. I’d allowed other people to defend me against him for what he’d done to me. I’ve been conflicted with guilt and fear. Guilty for allowing this monster’s ugliness to control me for so long and, fear that I’ll never find closure now that he’s dead. I’ve avoided writing based on the simple fact that I want to be brutally honest in my posts. I didn’t want to post based off temporary feelings and have to change or delete later. I took the weeks to search for answers only I could find in order to be at peace. What I found is that as the days become weeks I’m letting go. There was a time when I couldn’t go a week without seeing his face and hearing his voice – since his death I’ve gone weeks without thinking of him. I was able to have a conversation about sending my daughters to Jamaica and not worry about that particular predator. I’m not saying there are no other monsters like him in my extended family. I’m saying, the monster that violated me will never do it to anyone else. I’m saying, my daughters will never have to see or hear him. I’m saying my husband will not have to kill him. I’m saying, I got what I’d been asking for; his death. It might have taken longer than I hoped but, he’s dead. …and knowing the fucker suffered a lot makes this healing process easier than Sunday morning. All it took was PATIENCE.